Before we get into the four reasons why divorce may become the answer to marital problems, consider these two descriptions people gave of themselves.
“Having a sense of humor is important, I laugh at myself all the time. I want someone who lives life to the fullest, looking for new adventures around every corner.”
“Down to earth guy making people laugh, going out and enjoying life, looking for someone with a great personality and loves to laugh. Christian person who loves to travel. I like all sports.”
Don’t these folks sound wonderful? Yet, both are divorced. According to them, they both have excellent senses of humor and are overall fabulous people. So, the first question I would ask either is “Why are you divorced?”
And within myself, I also ask, “Why couldn’t you laugh off the things that impaired your marriage? Were you happy or morose around your wife or husband? Were you ready to travel, but your partner was not? Or, were you retired, ready to travel and your partner was not and could not? Over ninety percent are Christians or aligned with a religion of one type or another. Yet, even their belief in God or other deity did nothing to keep them from divorcing a person, who was supposed to be forever their partner.
Out of ten men, I have had one who honestly told me why he left his wife. He did not put all the blame on her or himself. They mutually agreed that the marriage had been a mistake from the first. They stayed together for the children, until the children left home. And, they parted friends. That part was especially important to me. They ended it as friends. They did not bury their children under hate for each other. Then I asked the kicker question, “Would your wife say the same, if I talked to her?” He offered to give me her phone number.
Why People Divorce
One primary reason is financial problems. Perhaps one of them is frugal, while the other spends at every opportunity, or both run up credit cards. The biggest problem with credit cards is that people tend to forget those are the same as money, except they can spend a lot more than if they use cash. They must be paid off or, at least, paid down. Too often, the minimum amount is paid each month, which extends payments, even on small amounts for many years.
Consider a $5000 limit on a credit card. At minimal payments each month, this is what is really being paid: By only making minimum payments it will take 960 more payments or 80.0 years to pay off the remaining balance. Interest will amount to $819,081. And that is if you do not continue spending on it, after getting it down from the maximum amount. Is that credit card worth it?
Next consider that when many people run one card to its limit, they apply for and get another and another and another, all being paid at the minimal amount. Four credit cards equal almost $4,000,000 in interest alone for $20,000 in spending power. One partner may realize this, while the other does not care to know and applies for yet another card. Eventually, something has to give and it is usually the marriage.
Infidelity Destroys Marriages
Infidelity runs a close second. Too often people marry with the firm belief they can and will change their partner into someone else – their dream prince or princess. When that fails, as it almost always does, either the changer turns into a shrew or starts looking for the ‘perfect’ partner in greener pastures. It’s not unusual for the person to go through two or more divorces, because they cannot accept the real people they marry.
I went with a friend to hear a counselor speak on ‘Saving Your Marriage by Changing Your Partner’. The one flaw – the counselor was divorced.
Of course, in some instances, a man or woman simply does not have the gene that allows them to settle down monogamously. I knew one man who had a brief fling with an airline attendant the same day he got married. Within a six month period, he slept with dozens of women. It wasn’t that he did not love his wife; he just could not be true to her or any one woman. Not surprisingly, his father was the same way. Was it heredity or simply that he learned infidelity from his dad?
The Many Kinds of Abuse Destroy Lives
Abuse comes in many forms – verbal, mental, physical and none are easy for the victim to understand or contend with forever. However, there are victims who constantly blame themselves for the abuse heaped upon them. It may take years to break away or, in some instances they are either pushed to destroy the perpetrator or end up dying under the onslaught of physical beatings. I remember one woman telling me she was married over fifty years before her husband passed away.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I said, as most would do.
“Don’t be. It was the best thing that ever happened in our marriage. He was abusive every day we were together. I couldn’t wait for him to die!” The venom in her voice shook me. To their friends and neighbors, they seemed the perfect couple when out in public. But at home, he beat her on her back and with fists to her stomach, so nothing would show outwardly. She never worked outside the home and had little formal education. Fear of not being able to survive on her own, kept her in a hellish marriage.
Verbal Abuse Damages!
The shrews (and yes, there are male shrews, too) are never satisfied with anything their partners do. Whether a well-intentioned surprise or cutting the grass, it is always wrong. Even worse, the shrews have elephant-like memories. They remind their poor partners daily of their failings. Unless the target of their shrewishness is masochistic, eventually the constant nagging becomes too much and the victims flee from the agony of verbal abuse.
Divorce From Abuse
In abuse cases, those who run to safety and get divorces, protect not only themselves, but often their children as well. One friend never had the courage to run until one day her husband sat their three-year old in a small rocking chair and told her not to move. Of course she rocked, as he knew she would. My friend got between them and received a terrible beating. When he went to work, she took their child and escaped to family in another state. With pictures proving his sadistic nature, the divorce went uncontested.
However, abuse is not always physical. In the last segment. verbal abuse came into play. And the third form is mental. For instance, when a spouse never actually touches the spouse or screams and nags, but instead finds ‘gentle’ ways to destroy any self worth of the husband or wife. A compliment may be a back-handed way of hurting the victim. “Dear, that meal was splendid, but next time, maybe the meat could be medium rare. Cooked too much, like you did this steak, well, I only ate it because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. And that salad dressing, well, maybe a tad less vinegar? The potatoes were perfect, except for being a touch too mushy and, hey, go easy on the salt.” The starting compliment became a club to hammer the victim into apologizing for the meal, for not knowing what the spouse wants and for living, in general.
Divorce Usually Has Two Sides
So, why is this in the dating section: To warn those looking for a new partner. To make them ask about the background story before rushing into a relationship. There are many reasons for divorce, yet most I’ve seen in the dating sites sound like those at the beginning of this article. According to them, they are spectacular people. Unwritten is that it must be the former spouse’s fault. Yet, I have never seen a divorce that came from one direction only.
To keep others from knowing about the abuse, both people put up shields. One does it for fear of being discovered as an abuser and the other out of embarrassment. Yes, I said embarrassment. The abuser may try to keep the victim from going out with relatives or friends or having anyone over to their home. Physical abuse is usually hidden by hitting or kicking the victim in places always covered by clothing. And, as co-conspirator, the victim makes certain clothing does cover all the evidence. Only when things have progressed so far that the victim fears either death at the hands of the abuser or when the victim is made aware that the secret is no longer secret, does the possibility of help enter the picture. That help usually ends in divorce.
Abusers Rarely Change
One woman, who ended up in a physically abusive relationship was hit by her boyfriend before they married. When he promised it would never happen again, she believed him. She believed him every time he beat her, when he promised it would never happen again. Promises from an abuser are like I.O.U.’s from Congress – useless.
Too many times, a person who goes through a divorce or spousal death, jumps immediately into a new relationship. They fear being alone and common sense goes out the door. Even worse, abused spouses tend to marry another abuser. Sometimes this scenario is repeated numerous times. If a person is abused once in a relationship, that person needs professional help to find out why the abuser was so attractive to the victim.
Divorce From Incompatibility
Physical attraction is sometimes confused with love. The couple fell in lust, not love and ran into marriage while living in a dream instead of taking in some reality. Instead of talking about their likes and dislikes, they spend more time wrapped in the physical part of the romance. Only after the honeymoon, do they discover he’s planning on twelve children, while she figured maybe adopting one would suffice. She wants to live in the city and he the country. She cannot stand that shade of blue and he seems to buy her gifts with that blue predominant in all of them! The more they are together, the further apart they grow, until the same court clerk that readied them for marriage is now counseling them on getting a divorce and what lawyers to see. Sometimes, the incompatibility occurs when one partner grows in the marriage while the other stagnates.
Date with Your Eyes Open
Date and enjoy it. However, date with eyes and ears open to little things that point to possible abuse. Does your date degrade you in front of others? Does he/she playfully hit you on the arm, a little too hard? Does he/she hit you and then immediately apologize, tearfully begging forgiveness and swearing it won’t happen again…but it does? Does your partner try to pull you away from friends and relatives? Sometimes this is made to sound romantic, as the partner swears a love so deep that sharing you is painful. It may be too late when you discover you no longer have contact with anyone in your circle of acquaintances. Always question why never being with others is so important. It may be the first move to alienate you from help of any kind.
Does that sound suspicious? Of course it does. It also sounds much wiser than going along to get along until you face the other side of your sweet Dr. Jekyll.
No matter how attractive your date is, if the signs are good that your future might be in his/her hands, talk. Listen to his/her dreams and see if they are remotely compatible with yours. If not, slow down.