Problems can certainly arise with our adult children before the grandbabies arrive but once the little ones enter the world, it is a given that there will be differences in child-rearing philosophies. Most of us are excited to greet the new baby and see our grown son or daughter in that little face. I don’t think many grandparents are intent on causing trouble but sometimes, we may get carried away without thinking about the consequences. Mainly, we just muddle through as best we can and deal with issues as they arise. However, there are 5 issues that I consider to be the most common problems between parents and grandparents, and the way they are handled could lead to major conflicts that could have been settled with good communication and tolerance on both sides.
Discipline. Grandparents tend to go to one extreme or the other when it comes to disciplining it their grandkids. Some are too strict; others let the kiddos do anything they please, undermining what rules the parents have put in place. If your exposure to your grandchildren is short and not too frequent, spoiling them is a good thing, as long as they are taught respect along with the spoiling. Children need more of that unconditional love in their lives.
On the other hand, if your keep your grandkids on a regular basis while their parents work, limits do need to be set. But those limits and any form of punishment must be agreed upon with the parents in advance. Otherwise, it is a disaster waiting to happen. If you are not all able to agree on a plan, it would be best if the parents made a different childcare plan and allowed you to enjoy shorter times with the little ones. It may not be what you want, but it may eliminate anger from a parent who feels their parenting is being overtaken.
I won’t go into the subject of spanking. Corporal punishment – or not – is the parents’ decision, not the grandparents.’ Different cultures, areas, and ages hold different viewpoints on that subject. Just agree with the child’s parents on how behavior issues will be handled.
Food. Another area where grandparents tend to get into trouble is whether or not to make a child eat certain foods. We may take the attitude that the child’s parents are responsible for making the children eat their vegetables or any disliked food. If the child spends a great deal of time with you, work out that arrangement again with the parents. But if you only share occasional visits with your grandchildren, spoiling them won’t hurt. Avoiding the dreaded broccoli for a meal won’t cause nutritional deficiencies, and eating that extra cookie close to dinner time won’t be the end of the world. On the other side of that coin, plying your grandkids with candy and sodas whenever they ask is going to cause friction with the parents and won’t be healthy for the children.
When Josef used to visit us every weekend, I made sure to serve healthy foods that he likes for two of the dinners, and we often took him to his favorite Mexican restaurant on the other evening. He would usually decide on the vegetables I should cook, and he thought that was cool to go through the freezer and pick something green and then choose fruit.
Religion. Religious differences can create more trouble between parents and grandparents than one would think. Of course, it would be easier for all if our sons or daughters would marry within their own faith. But life doesn’t work that way and in today’s world, inter-faith marriages and relationships are quite common and interesting. Unless you want to risk losing your child, as well as your grandchild, I suggest you accept the differences and learn all you can about the other faith. It is your children and their spouses right to raise their children and decide in which faith to raise them. How grandparents deal with those religious issues could make or break a relationship.
The parents of our grandson, Josef, are no longer together. My son was raised Christian, and Josef’s mother is Jewish. Over his 9 years, Josef has spent a lot of time with us, and I have worked to keep a pleasant relationship with his mother. Both parents had agreed when Josef was born to raise him to know both religions, and then he would be able to make his own choices when he becomes an adult. Nevertheless, before we took Josef to Sunday School with us, I called his mother and asked if she was ok with it. Because Josef was in the care of his father, that call wasn’t necessary, but we didn’t want to cause more problems. Keep the peace whenever possible, even if it goes against your personal beliefs. Your grandchildren will benefit.
Gifts. There is a difference between spoiling your grandchildren and creating avaricious little brats with a “gimmie-gimmie” attitude. Buying the occasional, reasonable gift should be fine, as long as you do the same for all your grandchildren. Playing favorites is not allowed. Try to be equal with birthdays and Christmas or Hanukkah, as well.
Deciding to gift a teenage grandchild with a car or equally expensive item could be a problem. Always discuss such ideas in advance with the child’s parents and abide by their wishes. And if you do it for one, plan on buying that expensive gift for all your grandchildren.
I believe there is one exception to the inclusion of parents in the gifting decision to grandkids. If you choose to set up savings accounts for the little ones or purchase U.S. Savings Bonds in their name, that doesn’t have to be a joint decision, because the children won’t be receiving the funds until they are of adult age. In fact, money gifts that are delayed this way could be a huge assistance when college expenses occur. Both parents and children will be grateful for that kind of gift.
Because we have so many grandchildren, we aren’t able to spoil them with too many material gifts. But when they are with us, we do spend as much time entertaining them as possible. We take them places; we have traveled with them; and we always provide them with that proverbial soft place to land. Unless it is life-threatening, in our house, what happens at Grandma’s really does stay at Grandma’s. In short, we try to give our grandchildren, who range from infant to adult ages, friends in us who they can depend on. But we have always recognized that their parents are in charge.
Divorce. This one is a sticky wicket. The best advice I can give for grandparents suffering through their kids’ divorce is to mind your own business. Of course, you will take sides. That’s human nature. Many years ago, when one of my daughters-in-law decided she no longer wanted to be married, she called me and said, “Well, I guess my name is going to be mud in your house from now on.” I told her that I totally disagreed with her decision because she had no grounds for ending the marriage and what this would do to her children would reap years of problems and unhappiness for them. But I also added that when anyone is in my home around those children, no one will ever utter an ugly word about their mother. I meant that and I stuck to that over the years. I wanted those kids to know that our home was a safe place, and they would never have to take sides.
Try to stay friendly with your child’s ex partner. Your grandchildren will benefit from that.
Being a grandparent is the most fun and rewarding experience I’ve ever had. I have the good times and fun without being the enforcer of rules and disciplinarian. Of course, there will be other problems that arise. Communication is the key to keeping the peace, making relationships work, and being able to love and enjoy the grandchildren.
The most important role you have to play is loving the children of your children. Kids can never have too much love.
