One of the biggest mistakes grandparents make is believing they can treat grandchildren like their own children. While we may love them like our own, they belong to their parents, not to us. We would be wise to remember that.
When my grandchildren started coming along, I remembered what it was like when my kids were small. I wished I had more physical input from their grandparents. My mother worked fulltime and still had a teenager at home. She tried but her time was limited. My mother-in-law wasn’t interested in our kids. This convinced me to be a different kind of grandmother.
Gift them with Great Memories, Not “Things”
Yes, I spoiled them with clothes and toys. But mostly, I tried to spend time with them. We examined leaves on trees and talked about what kind they were. I taught them how to play with and be gentle with our Great Danes. Jim and I took two of them to Williamsburg and used that trip as a teaching moment, as well as vacation. Granddaughter, Caylee, and I flew to Chicago for a weekend and a visit to the American Girl Doll Store. It was her first plane ride at 7 years old, and that made it special to me, as well. A trip out West to Taos and Santa Fe, New Mexico, with 2 of our grandsons and their Dad created memories that they and we still talk about today.
Jim and grandson, Josef, built a birdhouse together. Josef loved to help him with small repairs. The point is that we tried to do special things and go special places with each of them, and I hope they now are blessed with special memories of grandparents who were active and present along the way.
We helped Josef with school projects and attended school programs whenever we were invited. While we don’t see the youngest grandchild, Paisley, very often, I try to keep in touch by sending her little things – an American Girl catalog, an outfit I made for her doll – anything to remind her that she is in my heart and on my mind.
Always Discuss Discipline and Care with the Parents Before They Are Needed
Especially, talk to your daughter-in-law and agree on rules and discipline. If she isn’t on board, you won’t have much access to her children. Especially, discuss rules with her that you do or do not want to enforce with the grandkids. Always follow the parents’ rules when it comes to babies’ schedules. And it goes without saying that you never go against the parents if they say the child is allergic to something. Regardless of your experience, you don’t always know best.
Corporal Punishment Isn’t Required
I don’t spank my grandchildren, but they don’t know that I won’t. Nor do I tattle to their parents when they misbehave with me. Instead, we used short time-outs and disappointment and never dealt with any issue requiring more serious punishment.
Ok, there was one time when 4 1/2 year-old Josh ran away from his babysitter. I arrived to pick up both boys at their home, and the sitter was changing the baby and had no clue where Josh ran off to. I had to scour the neighborhood and yell for him for awhile before he appeared. He was so cool about it, and I was so mad! Yes, Josh received a whack on his rear end for that escapade, but I didn’t have to do that and wish now that I had not. Even if he did deserve it.
If you try to treat them as “older” than they are, they usually respond well. Kids tend to give you what you expect from them. Of course, that works better with children old enough to reason with. Be calm and speak quietly to them, even if they are upset or angry.
Don’t Be a Toxic Grandparent
Toxic grandparents think they know best. Smart grandparents know better. Never try to undermine their parents’ decisions or rules. Right doesn’t matter here. Unless it could truly harm the child, keep your mouth closed.
Toxic grandparents try to control their grandchildren. They don’t like to share them with the other set of grandparents and even try to raise the kids themselves, ignoring the parents’ wishes.
Always work with the child’s parents, not against them or their wishes. Offer advice only if it is requested.
Respect the Parents’ Choices
Having raised 6 kids, of course I know a thing or two. But these precious grandchildren do not belong to me. It is not my place to tell a daughter-in-law that I worry she might roll over on that tiny baby in bed with her. I don’t have the right to tell her that children do need a scheduled bedtime so that when they go to school, they will be able to go to sleep on time and get up on time.
What I can do is explain that at our house, a bedtime won’t be whenever little Johnny falls asleep on the sofa or floor. It will be at a reasonable hour so that we can also sleep. And babies at our house sleep in cribs.
Don’t Expect Your Daughter-in-Law to Do Things Your Way
Your grandchild’s Mom is her own person with her own beliefs. She doesn’t have to agree with yours. Work hard to build a good relationship with her, treat her with respect and never, ever undermine her parenting skills. Remember, you and I made our share of mistakes in raising our children, and she has the right to do the same.
Grandparents Do Have Some Rights
We do have some rights when it comes to our grandkids but only when they are at our home or solely in our care. We don’t allow grandchildren to run around during dinner. Food is eaten at the table. And I don’t allow children to hit me. Fortunately, I have never experienced a problem with either situation with grandchildren. You can set your own rules in your home but otherwise, follow their parents’ lead. If you don’t, you probably won’t build the type of relationship with your grandchildren that you would like.
