Cuddling – A Touchy Situation?
“I am not into cuddling. I just do not want to be touched!” So said a friend when I mentioned how much I missed cuddling with my husband. He died six long years ago.
“Bru and I always cuddled. And at night, we slept spooning against one another.”
“If I try to snuggle next to my husband, well, let’s just say he has no idea how to do it. He thinks any contact between us should lead straight to sex. We’ve been married over twenty years and for the first ten I tried to explain cuddling. I may as well have been speaking a foreign language. After that I just moved away or cringed when he came near me. Finally, I told him I did not want to be touched – period!”
From talking with friends and some family members of the female persuasion, this is a serious problem in far too many relationships. Next to finances, it sits right at the top of the list when people discuss marital problems. Talk about discord. It truly sounds, at times, as though men are from Mars and women from Venus.
Sex Is Not Love
When we first married, Bru thought any move on my part toward cuddling meant a full sexual session. Timid to the extreme, I did not know how to explain that sometimes sitting on the sofa, with his arm around me felt sexier than any makeout session we ever experienced. Thank goodness, he possessed the patience of a saint and I learned to speak up to save our fledgling marriage. One day I sat him down and forced myself to tell him that sex is not all that love is about and love has to be more than having sex.
“Honey, don’t you ever want to just sit here cuddling and snuggling, watching television and just enjoying being near each other?”
He gave a short laugh and said, “Yes. Sometimes I am so tired that when it seems as though you want to have sex, I feel as though that is the last thing I can do at that moment. But I don’t want to disappoint you, so I force myself to go through with it.”
“You’re kidding, right? Why would you do that? Why not just tell me you need to rest?”
“Because I guess, well, men are so busy trying to prove to their wives, their buddies and themselves that they are studs in the bedroom, that they forget maybe just being human is enough. You know, I never said that out loud before, although I’ve certainly thought it. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
What is True Love?
“Yes, I do. For the first time we may be communicating instead of talking past each other on this subject. Tell me, what is your idea of true love?” I asked, sliding to the other end of the sofa and turning to face him.
“When we dated, I thought true love pretty much meant being able to have sex whenever we wanted and not worrying about getting caught! I think that is why a lot of kids get married.” He chuckled and turned serious. “Now, I’m learning that isn’t the be-all, end-all of love. I find that often before making a decision, I’m wondering ‘Will Maggie approve?’ or ‘What would Maggie think?’. The conversation we are having right now brings an entirely different side to consider.”
I sighed and took a long sip of coffee before speaking.
“To me it means loving the whole person. If you marry a person strictly because of physical attraction, if anything happens to alter their looks, the marriage is in danger of breaking up. Loving a person is wanting them near you, loving their touch, but also enjoying conversations, attending events, never being ashamed of your partner. Most of all, I think love is never speaking badly of your partner to others and not allowing them to do so either. And I think taking time for cuddling instead of always moving to sex makes all of that easier.”
Did You Mean Those Marriage Vows?
I moved closer and smiled when I saw Bru doing the same.
“Notice in the marriage vows, there is not one word about good looks, having sex on a regular basis or anything vaguely like those. Instead, the vows are for standing beside each other, honoring one another, sticking close even in sickness and staying true for as long as you both live. Part of that must be listening and hearing. They are not synonymous.” I looked down at my hands twisting nervously in my lap.
Bru reached over and covered my hands with his.
“Hey, if I refuse to listen, you have permission to rap my knuckles with a ruler to get my attention. Okay? You may have hit on the problem with too many marriages, or should I say problems. People often rush into marriage, barely hearing the vows and thinking their honeymoon will never end. Remember the shock when we discovered how many differences we had?”
Understanding a Friend’s Angst
Talking to my friend today, when she said she tried for the first ten years of her marriage to talk to her husband, it was fairly obvious he never heard anything she said. After leaving her, I thanked heaven for having been given a man who worked to meet me more than halfway in every facet of our marriage. I prayed one day her husband might wake up to what he is losing.
Hiding Problems May Save a Marriage
Bruce and I continued talking that long ago evening.
“Remember your shock when you discovered I never learned to cook? When I burned those little steaks and undercooked the potatoes, I thought you must be having a meal different from the one I attempted to eat. You thanked me for the delicious meal and, heaven help your poor stomach, you ate the whole thing! I barely choked, and I do mean choked, down a bite of each! Made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich after you went to bed.” I laughed at the memory.
“And I got up when you went to sleep and took two Alka-Seltzers. My poor stomach actually hurt. I knew you would get the cooking down eventually. And I figured you were worth the wait.”
We met in the middle of the sofa, turned on the television to a favorite program and cuddled. That night, there was no wondering whether it would lead to something more.
A Cuddling Conclusion
The high point in our marriage may have been that conversation. In all our years together, we listened and heard each other. We learned that holding hands while walking in town or snuggling on the sofa or coming together to have sex – all were forms of showing love. Years later, many years later, when either of us were ill, we did not have to worry if the other would be around to sooth and smooth the way.
In those final years, when my beloved husband was bedridden, there was no question as to where I might be found. Not once did it occur to me to find physical love outside our home. I loved that man, not just parts of his body. I loved his once brilliant mind, the beauty of his heart, his bravery in helping others. And I loved, even then, climbing up beside him on his hospital bed, because no one I ever met made my heart beat with love and joy like that wonderful man of mine. Cuddling, appreciating each other in that calm setting, gets a lot of credit for making our marriage strong and happy.