How Not to be a Mother-in-Law

Husband, Wife, Mother-In-Law

Ah, the marriage triangle – husband, wife and mothers-in-law.  If everyone is accepting, the corners round off and it turns into a smooth-flowing wheel.  If not, a most uncomfortable square results, bumping through years of discomfort.  The end will come in one of two ways:

1. Divorce of the husband and wife -pushed apart by the viciousness of the mothers-in-law;
2. Death of one or more of the parties, bringing the peace so long denied in the relationship.

We raise our children, giving them love, enjoying their company, kissing their hurts and weeping over any deep hurt they feel.  Those growing years are sweet. Or not, if we are not smart enough to back away when another woman or man steps into the picture.  Instead of seeing the new person as a huge factor in our child’s life, we go on the defensive.  The stranger is taking away our baby!  If one mother feels that way, life becomes difficult for newly weds. However, when both mothers constantly pull at the fabric of the new relationship, it becomes pure hell for the bride and groom.

Relief

Ever wonder how your children will feel when you die?  If you are the type of people our mothers were, they will mourn their childhood mothers and be relieved to have the MILs gone from their marriage!

Does that sound mean and uncaring? Truly, it is not.  After decades of fighting against the complete dislike of my mother for my husband, I was exhausted. My mother-in-law’s dislike for me drove us to taking separate vacations at times. When she passed, we breathed easier.

While growing up, I adored the most fabulous mother anyone could ask for.  She made me pretty clothes, and played mud pies and playhouse with me. Eventually she became my confidant through the dating years and I proudly watched as she and Dad chaperoned for my prom.  Everything changed after graduation. I moved to Washington, DC where I met my husband-to-be.

Preparing for Marriage

Almost the moment he met my parents, Mama wanted to know, “Will you move here and work at the box or glass plant?”  When he replied in the negative, she immediately became less friendly.  On the night, he asked me to marry him, I called Mama with the good news.

“Mama, Bruce and I are getting married!”

The smile left my face when she replied, “Why?”

“I love him, Mama.”

“Don’t you love me?” I sensed she was in tears on the other end of the telephone. Let’s just say, it got no better over the years.

And when Bru told his mother, the response warned us, we refused to hear it.

“You are marrying a girl from Alabama? The South?” Seems she had a bad experience in Tennessee when a woman turned down her application for a room.  She and Dad D., lifers in the military moved often.  Evidently, when the lady saw ‘Episcopalian’ as her religion and not Baptist, she decided the room was already rented.

Of course, nothing helped the situation when Bru left college just before meeting me.  For the rest of her life, my MIL felt certain I forced him to quit.  She never wanted to hear that the biggest dream of my life involved college.  I thought Bru leaving was the worst thing he could have done.

The Things They Do

Each of the women held a knack for turning us purple with anger as they picked at everything in our lives.  My mother even wanted me to stop my sister from marrying her love because he was Catholic. She wanted me to tell her how miserable I was after marrying outside of my church.  Since Bru and I remained quite happy, in spite of them, I refused.  My mother-in-law topped that with the story that our son was my son and not Bru’s.  Then Mama told me at a party, where my fellow workers and neighbors attended, that I should leave Bru and marry another man.  The one she pointed to happened to be my boss!  I discovered how some people toss their kin out the door.

They made every holiday a tug of war.  We tried to make the visits even out. Yet always,  one of the MILs accused us of not thinking she, her husband and their home important enough to visit.

Succeeding as an In-Law

The whole focus of this article is to all mothers-in-law, current or future ones. If you do not want your children holding celebrations after you die, or breathing a sigh of relief, play nice.  If your son marries, welcome the new bride into the family with visible delight.  Offer your help (not slyly, but nicely) and ask for hers.  If it is a new son being welcomed, ask about their futures.  Do NOT insist they follow your dreams instead of their own.

Mothers, if your daughter is leaving the nest, provide her with good will, good wishes and let her know you adore your new son.  Call to speak with her occasionally or maybe invite her to lunch. If the happy couple moves far away, let them know you look forward to seeing them anytime.  Also let them know you are fully aware there is a second mother wanting to see them as much as you.

If you remember when you became a bride, did you always feel welcomed?  Smile and make certain both the bride and groom know your door is open whenever they want to visit.