“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? I thought I was the only one.”

– C.S. Lewis

It isn’t often in life that you find yourself so close to a friend that you feel like sisters. I was fortunate to have that relationship over 40 years with Carlene Conley. We met when our husbands were students at Vanderbilt and she and Perry moved into the other side of the duplex where we lived. She and I were both pregnant and due at the same time. Carlene’s first child entered the world 3 days after I gave birth to our second son, and we were placed in adjoining hospital rooms.

From the day we met, Carlene and I were drawn to each other by virtue of motherhood and many evenings spent with each other while our husbands worked or studied. Imagine my horror when my supposedly potty-trained toddler peed on her sofa, and her laughter as she told me about it (She secretly hated that sofa!) The day the thermometer broke off in her baby girl’s bottom and she couldn’t reach the pediatrician, I drove her to the ER in her VW Bug, bouncing more than a bit while I adjusted to the unfamiliar, “upside-down,” 4-speed gearshift, while Carlene tried to comfort her screaming infant. We shared confidences that we would not have shared with others. Our friendship spanned 40+ years of living in different states, visiting each other and traveling together and through her painful divorce. I loved her like the sister she was to me.

“Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together”  – Jon Katz

Today marks the second anniversary of Carlene’s death. Ironically, it is also the day the murder trial finally begins for her youngest daughter, Paige. She is on trial for stabbing her mother to death. Avoiding comments about her guilt, I will say that losing Carlene, brought on a myriad of emotions that, two years later, I still haven’t processed. Grief affects every person differently. It’s an on-going process. You may experience anger, fear, resentment or guilt, and I have dealt with all of those. And pain! Oh, the pain!

“Pain sits gleefully on the coattails of denial, and when that bitch slides into home she packs one hell of a punch.”  

That quote from “A Guide to Surviving Your Best Friend’s Death” hits the nail on the head about the gut-wrenching ache that courses through you when you lose someone close to you, especially, when it’s a senseless death.

In another post on this site, I wrote about my friendship with Carlene. The life experiences we shared built the friendship that lasted. When her youngest turned to drugs and out-of-control behavior, Carlene became the brunt of the girl’s anger. The years that followed were brutal ones as Carlene endured physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I hurt for her but could not convince her to give up on her daughter. And she paid for that devotion with her life.

Today as I reflect on my friend and her life, what a truly good and kind soul she was, I wonder if I let her down. Was there something I could have done or said that would have given her the strength to separate her life from that of her needy adult child? Yes, I feel some guilt.

Suggestions for Dealing with Grief

For anyone suffering through the loss of a close friend or family member, I was given numerous suggestions over the last two years of how to work through Carlene’s senseless death. The first was to share my feelings instead of bottling them up inside as is my tendency. In doing so, perhaps I can help others work through their own grieving processes.

Prayer helps!  If you are not religious, I don’t know where you would find the emotional support you need to get you through difficult times.

Take care of yourself! Go have a drink in memory of your loved one, but don’t go off the deep end. It won’t make you feel better and solves nothing.

Force yourself to eat nutritiously and exercise. That good old stationary bike was a lifesaver for me in times of stress.

Find activities that interest you and other friends to hang out with. No, it’s not the same and never will be again. But you will make new memories and new friends to enjoy.

Death is painful to survivors. Accept it; acknowledge it. Take time to work your way through the process of grieving for your loss, but don’t dwell on it. It takes time to feel joy and happiness again. Allow yourself that time.

“…friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival”
– C.S. Lewis