Mammograms and bone density tests become more and more important as we travel through our senior years, whether our health plans agree or not. Our bodies tend to lose essential minerals in some cases and in others, they build up unwanted stockpiles such as too much calcium, magnesium and iron.
Mammograms search for any discrepancies in our breasts, whether it may be a benign cyst or a more serious matter, such as cancer. Bone density tests are just that, a way to discover whether our bones are becoming brittle and require vitamins, minerals, medicine or exercise to strengthen them.
Of course, getting a mammogram is a quite an experience for any woman as I was reminded today when I went for my annual checkup. The young woman greeted me, smiled and welcomed me into the seemingly innocent room with a very odd machine gracing center stage. After asking the traditional questions aimed solely at being a woman, she made the first request.
“Remove all upper clothing and put this gown on – opening to the front, please.”
I did so and as I slipped my arms into the almost too small gown, memories of prior mammograms wiggled into my mind. Was it too late to run? Yes, she was back.
We approached the machine, me with apprehension; her with unrivaled glee or so it seemed.
Lifting my right breast, she laid it out like a flattened piece of meat on the flat white plate. Once in position, the matching clear plastic plate moved down to remove any semblance of a female piece of anatomy while presenting a freckle-specked piece of cardboard.
“Let me know if it hurts.”
“Ouch! It hurts!”
“Okay, two move turns of the screw should do it.”
“Two moooooore?” I screeched as the cardboard became a sheet of paper.
“Okay, push your left shoulder out, your hip away from the machine and hold the other breast away from this one.”
The urge to say, “Yes, Sargent” was overwhelming. I had not moved that many parts in so many different directions since reading the Kuma Sutra. (I said READ it, not practiced it…okay, I did try one or two but figured nothing was worth that torture!)
Ah, the plates separated! I took in a huge breath, however before releasing it I heard, “Don’t move!”
She shifted me further to the right where my left mammary gland joined the first. It quivered in fear. Normally the two of them are quite happy to go places together. This was not such an occasion.
“OUCH!”
This exercise continued through clamping the right breast for a side view. The left looked on in fear. Thus far, it had only experienced a tiny pinch.
“Hold this bar with your hand, rest your elbow here, chin up, rear out, left shoulder pulled backward.”
“Perfect. Hold that pose.”
And then…the other side succumbed to the torture chamber.
Shaken, I left the room, much faster than I had arrived. The technician led me down the hall to another small room with an equally weird looking machine. Time Machine was my first thought. I am going to lie down on my back on that table. The tech will send me through that massive circle and I will end up in another dimension. Visions of dinosaurs clouded my thinking as the new woman asked me to lie down and scoot toward my feet.
A cool ice pack rested under my lower back and felt good although the room was chilly.
I looked at the note on the circle. DO NOT LOOK AT THE LASER WHILE BEING SCANNED. Turns out the note rested directly over the laser. I squeezed my eyes shut and prepared to wake up in a new world.
As it turned out, I felt rather foolish when I opened my eyes and discovered the same boring room surrounding me. The bone density scan was a welcomed relaxation after the terror of the mammography.
All kidding aside, these are two very important tests and even men, yes, men should get a mammogram as well as a bone density test. They are susceptible to the same problems as women with their breasts.
