What do you do when there is no way to plan for becoming a caretaker? A year and a half ago I became the caretaker, not of a parent, but of an older brother. It sounds as though there isn’t much difference – except there was no way to plan ahead.
He had been healthy until a year prior. He walked four miles a day, had lost 35 pounds and looked terrific. Then he called to say his right foot was swollen. Within a year, his kidneys failing, and he needed someone to take over his life. Since he had not been to a doctor in thirty years, he had no physician and clearly no wish to find one. Normally, I recommend having a doctor help with gradually moving a parent into a child’s care, but if your parents are like my brother and in great health or refuse to admit they need a doctor, what do you do?
I found doctors, took him to them; found hospitals, took him to them and when he entered a rehabilitation center, made arrangements to bring him to my home permanently. I pushed him to set up life insurance and a will but am still working on insurance for a time he might require outside help. I don’t think that will happen as I have no intention of giving him into hands that might not be as caring as his sister’s. An easy patient, he is not. He tossed out hospice workers twice, so I no longer bother with them as it’s easier to do things myself than listen to harangues about them.
We fight because he is older and took care of our parents during their illnesses while I took care of my husband during his. He was the older brother, the helper of all, and refused to admit he needed someone to lean on at the age of 73. Having been the head of our household since my husband’s illness, I discovered being mule-headed ran in our family. Over this past year, we slowly smoothed things out. We argue, yes, but we end it by the next day and move on.
One suggestion for parents is agree to argue, but to end it with a hug or by saying “I love you, no matter if we do fuss at each other.” Or when one makes any move toward reconciliation, the other accepts it and moves on. Maybe they can agree that the parent or brother or whoever, if not senile, just might know how to do things or how their own bodies feel. Caretakers must never forget the person for whom they take care may need a life outside of staying home or only visiting doctors. For that matter, so does the caretaker. For the caretaker to ignore taking time off can be dangerous, as a trip to the emergency room showed me today. I lost all feeling from the neck down and EMTs took me to the hospital. All tests showed me to be in perfect health, and the only thing the doctor could deem a possibility was ‘stress’.
Plan a night or day out for yourselves and a day out with friends for your parents. My brother is more than capable now, after going onto dialysis, of making his own decisions as to how he will spend his time. You both need a break. No matter how much you love each other, you have separate life styles, needs, things that matter and things that don’t. My brother watches court, cop and cooking shows. I have no wish to see any of them. Sometimes I stay in the room, just to provide and have company. Sometimes I seek refuge with my computer, housework and sleep because I am used to a more active life and have none of that here.
Sometimes giving in or moving over settles a quarrel before it starts. I would rather be in my own kitchen cooking, but it gives Jim an activity instead of merely sitting all the time. He’s also a darned good cook. Every now and then, he takes it upon himself to mop the floor so I let him. In return, he gets a chauffeur, nurse, shopper and whatever else he needs. Giving up part of my normal routine to him is working to make the tension less and the household happier.
He is also driving again, although not every day. That helps both of us, although I still take him to dialysis and wait for him because he may be weak following the long day of treatment.
Life after being thrust into caretaking with little notice can become reasonably normal as long as all parties work toward that end. Remember that compromise is the magic word toward smoothing out two merging households.