During our forty-four years of marriage, I never felt fear, at least for myself. For my husband, yes, but never for myself.
Standing at a whopping 5’ 4” tall, he had the ability to stay calm, to take over a situation and make it come out right. Of course while he was doing this my heart was sitting in my throat , hoping he lived through his actions.
Once when we worked real estate together, we had to go into a really rough neighborhood to show investors apartment buildings. I left before the others to go to another appointment.
Nine young men, ages probably 12 to early twenties, surrounded my car, yelling obscenities, making threats as to their intentions, and generally terrifying me. Bruce came out of the building and ran to my defense.
“Man, you can’t take on all of us,” said the leader.
Calmly Bru told him, “No, I can’t, but you won’t make it out alive, so it doesn’t matter.”
Don’t think this was an idle threat. I had seen Bru take down an opponent a foot taller with one punch. He aimed where it would hurt the most.
Thank goodness, two other men, who had been sitting on the steps, came to stand beside my husband, along with the male investor. The gang left and we breathed easier. My husband stood tall when others faltered. Even when he became totally incapacitated with the stroke, just being near him kept Fear at bay. Then he died.
Although I handled every facet of our lives for the three years of his illness, when he died, that nasty old demon, rode in on his horse, Anxiety, and tried to pull me into his clutches. Every moment filled with decision became indecision. Second guessing became a game I couldn’t win. Thinking of caring for our daughter, who has Down’s syndrome, shredded the confidence I had when Bru was there to talk things over.
One night I had a dream of Jaimie, our daughter, being on the far side of a raging river begging me to come and get her. Though I wanted to jump into the waters and swim to her, something held me back.
“It’s only fear.” The voice came quiet but bold. It gave me the strength I needed to get away from my captor. I jumped into the fierce river. Immediately the waters calmed and I swam to my daughter. I woke from the dream thinking, ‘it’s only fear.’ Whether that was my husband helping one last time, or just a dream, I don’t know. I do know, however, that I now have more of my Bru’s mindset. It’s only fear and it can only hold a person prisoner as long as the person allows it.
Break free, widows. Know that you are strong and you can handle anything. You were not left behind without resources. You have your minds, your will, your knowledge and with these gifts, you can break away from fear and live a good life. It is only you who keeps you tangled in chains of anxiety, depression and fear. Break those chains, just as my Bru did so many times. It will truly set you free.