Children whose parents are no longer together usually become caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Sometimes, one parent tries to use the child to get back at the other parent. Some kids spend way too much time listening to a parent spewing ugly words about the other one. It is rare when a split really is amicable and more common when the parents despise each other. Grandparents must negotiate a slippery slope to keep the peace. It would be easy for a grandparent to side with his or her own son or daughter but for the sake of the grandchildren, that’s not a good idea. Try to appear as neutral as possible.
With more than one child divorced, my husband and I have experienced the gamut of behavior and emotions from a former daughter-in-law or son-in-law. We decided from the beginning to set some ground rules at our home, and they have proven to be helpful. Below are some tips to keep the peace and strengthen your bond with your grandchildren.
1. Never, ever say anything negative about your grandchild’s “other” parent where the grandchild can hear. Human nature decrees that you want to side with your own child, but the grandchildren love both of their parents and should never feel that they have to defend either one.
2. Don’t allow others in your home to speak negatively about the grandchild’s other parent. I remember a conversation with a soon-to-be daughter-in-law, and she said, “I guess you hate me now.” I certainly had reason to, but I told her that my feelings didn’t matter but she could be assured that her children would never hear a negative word about her from anyone in my home. I didn’t do it for her. I did it for the innocent young ones who didn’t ask for their new situation, and I have never regretted it.
3. Make your home a negative-free zone for the grandkids on any controversial subject. They should know that they are free to be kids and not constantly be “on-guard”with their best behavior at your home. We had a large, round oak table as a breakfast table and that table was also used for arts and craft projects by the grand kids. It ended up with paint marks, black marker streaks, even glitter that would not come off. I never said a word. Tables can be refinished or painted (And I did that more than once). Our granddaughters loved to dress up in my daughter’s old dance costumes. They made all kinds of messes because the glitter fell off and stuck to carpets or tile floors. So what! Children only get the magic of make-believe for a short period of time. Be a part of it. Grandchildren need freedom to create, something that may not be available at home. If you cannot provide that peace and freedom, you will end up the loser, because your grandchildren will prefer to spend their time elsewhere as they grow up.
4. Try to keep a decent relationship with your child’s ex. There will be times when your own son or daughter will want you to take sides, but your grandchild’s needs come first. Tell your son or daughter that you will do what is necessary to keep the lines of communication open with the ex. No matter how much you dislike the ex, try to find some redeeming feature about him or her. Of course, you will have your own feelings and will probably discuss them with your son or daughter. But the grandkids should not have to worry that you and his or her other parent will get in a big argument about something. They have probably seen and heard more than enough of that.
5. Provide a soft place for your grandchild to just “be.” That child needs to know that there is no pressure at your home. No one will question him about the other parent or make him feel tense. If he’s had a bad day at school, made a bad grade because he didn’t study for a test, that’s not your problem. Lay off! He’ll appreciate your being the grandparent and leaving the parenting to the ones whose job it is.
6. Ease up on discipline. Structure is good. Strictness, not so much. One of our grandsons has spent a lot of time with us over the years. We try to keep to routines so that he knows what to expect but are not rigid about it. It’s fun to provide small surprises or outings when he least expects it. Could be something as simple as “Let’s go swim for a bit before dinner.” Or if you are going out to eat, allow him to choose the place. Some family-friendly restaurants place small computerized tablets on the tables for ordering. Those tablets also hold a raft of games. I often sit and watch while our grandson and my husband play some sports game. Boring for me? Sometimes, but I’m ok with that if our grandson is happy.
7. Give your grandchild unconditional love and acceptance. He or she should feel free to talk about anything at your home and not worry that you will judge or tell the other parent. Today, I have adult grandkids who tell me things that their parents don’t know. As long as it isn’t something hurtful to themselves or others, that confidence is a good thing. It says you are trusted and a friend. That leads me to the last tip.
8. Never, ever break a grandchild’s trust. Don’t betray the child’s confidences. If you do, you will lose that kid’s trust forever.
