Dating site picks can leave a person gasping. But this week has been especially hilarious. Between fake military, and a senior dating site working to set me up with nudists and motorcyclists, boredom never set foot in this senior household.
Last night I went on maneuvers with a fake military man in a dating scam, dear readers. I am a sucker for a military man. However, when a scammer uses our glorious men in uniform to get into my good graces, all bets are off and the war games are on. Thus it began.
HE: Hey you owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a chocolate in the pocket on a hot summer day with the first sight of you, I will like to communicate with you and get to know more about each other and see what we may have in common.
(Guessing that 99 cent business is all about a candy bar. He gets 2 points for a new opening and lost three for bad English and punctuation.)
ME: (After having read his profile) So where do you work in law enforcement? Are you still working or retired. Gadsden seems a bit far away for a relationship, doesn’t it. It’s not like we can just sit down for a cup of coffee on the spur of the moment.
HE: Still active in the army and no place is far away for love, distance is just a number.
(My faithful readers will remember this is one line that pretty much makes me gag. It is normally used by scammers who are in other countries.
Therefore, they have no wish to see you, but fully intend to rip off the woman ‘with whom they have fallen madly in love from a distance.’ At no place in his profile did he mention he was in service of any type.)
HE: I believe when two hearts meet, a thousand miles seems like 3 steps ahead.
(Double gag.)
ME: So, stop in at the local coffee shop tomorrow morning for coffee. I believe it takes more than messages on a site for hearts to meet. I believe it takes meeting face to face and two hours or more apart takes a lot of gas and wear and tear on cars and tires.
HE: (This is the back down.) True but for two people who have time, unfortunately I’m deployed and not possible at this moment.
ME: Surprised that you are deployed at age 66, since mandatory age for retirement is 62. So where are you deployed?
(This one took him a little while to figure out, but I give the old boy credit. He came back today.)
HE: Yes on a special mission to Turkey, only for few months.
ME: Let me know when you get back. Until then farewell. BTW, shouldn’t you be careful telling anyone where you are on a special mission. Might it not be a court martialling offense? Seems like the case when my family was in service.
(That, with any luck, has taken care of my military date scam for the week.)
You Meet the Most Interesting Men on Senior Dating Sites
Additionally, the current dating site took upon itself the mission to find the perfect person for moi. Thus far, each is no closer than two and one half hours with the furthermost a mere three hours and forty-five minutes.
Does it occur to the lovely people running this computer site that by the time my fabulous suitors get halfway to my house, they just might forget where they are headed and why? Not for a moment.
My Match is a Nudist?
Checking out each of their picks, thus far a budding nudist seems to suit me to perfection. Really? A 75-year old, pot bellied, bird-legged, bald on top of his sun-burned head with a scraggly pony tail hanging down in back nudist?
And me beside him, about a foot shorter, with enough rolls around my middle to start a bakery. That’s okay, because you do not see those under my breasts which, when I remove the restraining bra, drop to my knees, thus hiding the rolls rather nicely. And walking down to the waters of the Gulf, both of us have enough jiggling cellulite to make sponges jealous. Yep, nudes on the beach, wonderful.
My Match is Not a Nudist, But a 92-Year-Old Biker!
Next in the glorious lineup waltzed in the motorcycle king. A mere 92 years old, who looked great when he sat on his Harley and when he stood up, he still looked as though he sat on his Harley.
Never in this lifetime, have I climbed aboard a hog – the oinking or metal kind – and I have no intention of doing so at this tender age. Dear readers, have you heard the old adage, ‘you never forget how to ride a bicycle?’ Meet the woman who turned that adage on its aging head.
When we first moved to Florida in 1999, where no hills barred these legs from pedaling one of those metal beauties, I swore once more to be a biking babe. Off my daughter and I went to the nearest bicycle shop. She bought a three-wheeler, while I dared to purchase a two-wheel silver streak! Home we drove, pulled the local transports from the car and climbed aboard.
Passed On Both – Got My Own Wheels
Jaimie zipped off down our private road, waving to neighbors, birds, bugs, flowers, it did not matter. She was FREE! Grinning with the knowledge that in my youth I stood on pedals and rode with hands off the handlebars, I climbed aboard that two-wheeler and dashed off. The ride lasted twenty wobbly seconds before crashing into a crushed shell flower bed onto my knee with the titanium replacement.
Florida air turned blue around me and the silver streak returned to the store. Replaced with a low-rider three-wheeler, life on tricycles became joyous for BOTH of us.
With my last trip on a two-wheel, relatively slow-moving bicycle in mind, I am not about to get on a two-wheeler that attempts to break the speed barrier, with a ninety-plus senior dating site speed demon, who might or might not survive the length of the ride!
With these lovely choices in mind, are you as excited to see what the dating site picks as perfect for me? Frankly, it’s a hoot and this old girl is rocking over there right now to see who the next lucky fellow might be.