Love seems to be in the air in my family. Last November, one granddaughter married the man of her dreams in her dream wedding. Now, a grandson and his long-time girlfriend are engaged. With several grown or almost grown grandkids, I expect more nuptials will occur. If grandchildren in your life are approaching the age of marrying, you may want to share some of my tips for a successful marriage.
Looking back on 55 years with the same man, I’ve learned a few things. Yes, I’m old but there’s a lot of information packed beneath these gray hairs and my darling grandchildren, paying attention to some of it might earn you a few points in your new relationships. Sure, I made mistakes and so did your grandfather. That’s part of life. It’s how you learn from those miscues that builds a strong marriage.
Never, Ever Go to Bed Angry
That’s the only piece of advice I remember from 1961 when Jim and I married. The Methodist pastor who married us, and for whom I worked at the time, told us that. I won’t lie and say we always stuck to that rule, but life was better when we did. The day goes better if you don’t wake up remembering that you are angry at each other. Don’t allow little arguments to fester and become big ones. Talk out your differences and find a common denominator.
Respect Each Other’s Boundaries and Differences
Two adults cannot live together 24/7 without butting heads over different ways of doing things. If you don’t find ways to compromise, your relationship will never survive. The old, proverbial leaving the cap off the toothpaste or squeezing it from the middle complaint is minor compared to disrespecting your partner’s opinions and preferences. No matter how close you are, you are two separate people with your own idiosyncrasies. Your partner is just as entitled to opinions and differences as you are. Talk out the problem. Google options and solutions if you can’t come up with some suitable ones on your own. In the ‘good old days’ we “googled” Mama. Compromise is crucial to the success of your relationship.
For example, if you have one television and want to watch different programs, invest in a DVR system and record one or the other. You can alternate which one you watch live. If you love to eat Chinese food and your partner despises it, plan to occasionally meet a friend at your favorite spot. Spare the one you love of having to eat unwelcome food. Of course, a truly beautiful gift to a partner is to indulge in his or her favorite occasionally, just to show how much you care.
Just because a cabinet was arranged in a certain manner in your parents’ home does not make that the only way to do so. Find a way to compromise with your partner. Perhaps you could set up the kitchen cabinets, assuming you are the cook, and he or she could arrange the bathroom linen closet. When Jim retired, he decided I didn’t know how to load the dishwasher correctly. There just wasn’t an easy solution to that little issue, so I now let him load it all the time. Problem solved! All of the above sound like petty issues and they are – unless they morph into big ones. Compromise early on so the little things don’t become mountains to overcome.
Keep in mind that sometimes one of you will have to compromise and sometimes, it should be the other person. There is no set rule in a marriage. Just assume that you both should always give 100%.
You Don’t Have to be Right!
Do you know couples who argue incessantly, one always trying to one-up the other? It isn’t pleasant and it undermines your love for each other. It really is ok to lose an argument sometimes.
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
Agree in the beginning with your partner to never call each other ugly names. When an issue arises, go after the problem and leave your personalities out of it. Personal attacks won’t be forgotten and will eat away at the respect you have for each other.
No Secrets When it Comes to Finances!
According to a survey put out by Suntrust Bank, finances are the leading cause of stress in a marriage. The lack of it, how it is spent by one partner or the other, or mistakes that cause grief and hard feelings all contribute to discord and anger. Joint checking and savings account are a must, but it’s also important for both of you to have your own money to spend as you please, no matter how little. Pay the bills together or at least be sure you both know what is owed and that they get paid. Keeping a healthy credit score makes for a happy couple. Don’t hide money or bills from each other or you risk creating distrust in your relationship.
Give Each Other Space
Newlyweds have a tendency to do everything together. They can’t seem to get enough of each other’s company. That’s a good thing but sometimes, it can be too much of a good thing. An occasional evening out with your own friends is good for you. There’s nothing wrong with your husband playing golf with his buddies. The key is compromise. Talk it out and decide what works for the two of you.
Show Your Appreciation
My Mother taught me as a child that you never return gifts given to you out of love. That was excellent advice. When your mate takes the time to choose a gift for you, show him or her that you appreciate it. Of course, if it is clothing that doesn’t fit, you have the right to exchange it. But try to include your partner in the exchange. Show your appreciation for any efforts made by your partner to help you or make your life easier. I recall a young couple a few years ago who struggled with this thought. She returned every birthday and Christmas gift he gave her, even when it was something she had admired in a store. He eventually stopped doing anything for her on those occasions. After all, if she didn’t appreciate his efforts, why bother. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Take time to say thank-you.
Set Common Goals
It doesn’t work if only one of you is saving to buy a new house or to go on a spiffy vacation. You must both be on the same page to succeed. Otherwise, one of you will sabotage the savings plan by spending unplanned dollars on something else. Hopefully, the two of you talked about your hopes, desires and plans for the future before you married. If you both want the same things, life will move along more smoothly.
Plan a Weekly Date Night
Life gets busy. To make sure your relationship stays at the forefront of your lives, plan a weekly date night that only an emergency can change. It doesn’t matter where you go or if dinner is at your local McDonald’s. The point is to focus solely on each other without outside interference. Be creative and set up interesting and unusual venues. It’s not how much or how little you spend. It’s the effort and concentration on each other that matters.
Children Should Sleep in Their Own Beds!
When the babies come along, remember that the bed you share with your husband is for the two of you. It was not intended to be a family bed. Children should learn early on how to sleep in their own space. I know a couple who were so excited to bring their first child into the world. And then the second one. Neither of those children learned how to appreciate their own rooms and to this day, at 8 and 10 years old, still share with their mother. This is not healthy for the marriage and theirs did not last. Start as you mean to go on. It’s easier than breaking bad habits.
Keep God at the Head of Your Marriage
Whatever your religion, encourage a strong relationship with God for the two of you. If you do this individually, it will be automatic that God is the rock on which your marriage is built. Your faith and beliefs can guide you through life together and help you weather the bad times.
