Frankly, I am thoroughly upset today.  From the time my father-in-law passed away until the death of the spouse of my new friend, I have noticed one terrible truth.  The one left behind stops living, too!  Or, they totally lose themselves in the strangeness of once again being single.  Not only is it sad; it is dangerous.

When my father-in-law died after a long illness, my mother-in-law, who had been a formidable business woman completely broke down.  This is a call my husband received from her three months after her loss.

Her:  It’s all over the table. It’s piled so high and I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid to touch it.  What if I do something wrong?

Him:  Mom, what are you talking about?

Her:  The mail.  I don’t know what to do with all this mail.  Can you come and help me?

This was not a case of stepping next door; it was a 6 hour trip by air from one coast to the other.  To make matters worse, I had been in a car accident the day we buried his dad and had a cast from toes to hip.  I told him to go anyway.  She needed him much more than I at the time.

He could not believe his eyes when he stepped into her dining room.  Mail, stacked two feet high, covered a table designed to seat eight people.  There was not an inch of free space anywhere on the surface.  After spending hours going through each piece, Bru discovered all of it was political advertisements, or requests for donations.  Mom D. and her husband had been faithful to their political party.  They gave generously, without giving foolishly.  And now, something she would have scanned and tossed before she found herself without Dad, overwhelmed her.

She no longer made business decisions, where previously she always held  firm positions on anything she and Dad worked on together.  Without him as a sounding board, she became stuck.  She tried to use Bru as a partner, but something in their relationship did not gel as hers and Dad’s had.  She never recovered, although she lived several more years.

Recently, at the funeral of his wife, a cousin bemoaned his loss, telling everyone, who would listen, that she was everything in his life.  She was his rock; the only one he could ever love.  Two weeks later, he was on a dating site, being taken to the cleaners by scammers.  Nothing we said convinced him the average ‘date’ will not request money and expensive presents and STILL not want to meet.  They will not agree to marry, while insisting one thing after another keeps them from seeing their fiance face-to-face.  Finally, he borrowed, putting his car up as collateral.

A man I met lost his wife three months ago.  He had no clue what to do with his life afterward.  He went on a dating site.  After three dates (about six hours total time together), he vowed his love to the new woman in his life. Fortunately, she told him what he felt was not love; it was loneliness.  He lucked out.  The woman did not want anything from him but friendship.  She wanted to offer a shoulder for him to lean on while going through the stages of loss.  She pushed him out of fantasy and back into fully grieving the loss of his wife.

Within my own life, my dad mourned the loss of Mama.  She was his world, he said.  A couple of weeks later, he was attempting to date a woman my younger sister’s age.  When she refused, he sunk into depression.

Perhaps had my daughter, Jaimie, not needed me, I would also have dropped into this netherworld.  But her gentle voice asking, “Mama, you okay?” pulled me out of the bed and back into the world of the living.

What makes this happen to us, as senior citizens?  Is it the jolt of being alone, with no one to share our moments – large and small?  Is it discovering we no longer have the firm bodies of youth and the attraction to others?  Do our minds become so scrambled with our loss that we insist someone must be available to fix it?

Important Decisions Should be Delayed Following the Death of a Spouse

Making business decisions the first year is frowned on, after a personal loss. Perhaps added to that should be the warning not to insist on romance until at least most of the stages of grief pass.

Rushing into ‘love’ might work out, but the chances are slim.  The rush may lead to a loss of money or with so many scammers out there, perhaps the loss of life.

One woman, who lost her husband, has been targeted in the last few months. In her case, she had quite a large inheritance left to her.  Sadly, she also has the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and a scammer on her trail.  Her daughter took her to the doctor to have her meds checked and the story came out.

“Oh, I have met the greatest man.  He’s a popular singer.   His wife left him and took everything.  I’ve been helping him out.  And..,” she giggled as she told the doctor her story, “now he wants to meet me in Las Vegas.  I’m selling some land and with that money, we will be able to get married and live together out there.”

The doctor was stunned, as was her daughter, who had been told nothing about this great romance.  Further conversation uncovered the fact that this popular singer now had 70% of this woman’s inheritance under his belt.  And he fully intended to grab the rest.

A check of her medications showed most should not be taken…period.  The doctor removed them from her and ordered her into a center to dry out.  For the time being, he wrote a letter declaring her mentally unfit to handle her own affairs, with further diagnosis when she finished at the center.  The money that was to see her through her final years was almost all gone.  Her daughter put a lock on all funds, to preserve them for her care.

Solutions for the Sea of Spousal Death

These are only the tips of the icebergs floating in the Sea of Life, or perhaps it should be called the Sea of Spousal Death.  So, what are the solution?

A) Family being available to listen to the sweet memories or the fears or the confusions of the new widow or widower.  This is not a one time thing…it is as many times as it takes to pull the spouse across the line to live again.

B) Friends being available instead of pushing the new widow/widower aside now that he/she is no longer part of a pair.  It’s okay to have a widowed/divorced party.  It gives the people someone to talk with, who is going through the same thing.  It provides an anchor of caring not usually given.

C) Church/Synagogue/Temple, etc.  The religious families need to step in at this time, doing the same things as Family and Friends – providing something for these people to cling to as a life preserver.

All of these groups can look for places that might provide new friends for the remaining spouse.  Do NOT just go to the senior center and think you did your job.  Most people are not that fond of those centers and most of the food sucks, big time.  There are some that offer many activities from bingo to day trips to weekend trips.  All offer friends, but the Centers cannot be everything to a new widow or widower.  They need something outside their homes and the Centers.

Our church has senior trips.  There are also other senior groups that set up cruises, bus trips, movie or live theater nights.  These usually include most tickets, housing and meals at a reasonable cost.

Most of all, direct those people to THIS site.  Here they will find guidance, information, the occasional laughter, and that being alone after the death of a spouse does not mean life is over.  It may be just beginning anew.