Folks, this Christmas a message came to me from a most unusual source. Four years after the death of my Bruce, the loss of his smile at Christmas hit me hard. Why did it take so long? Why four years afterward? I believe it was supposed to be now and the reason, because this sexy sassy senior lost her sass.
Remembering to Be Grateful
Despite having a roof over my head, food in my belly, the joy of my children and siblings being with me, sadness ruled. Grumbling became the rule of the day, whether about an aching back or something going wrong with the house built barely two years ago, it seemed instead of looking for the best in each day, I looked and found the worst. Night time brought little more than tears of mourning, tears I thought long passed. Along with wanting to feel my husband’s arms once more, came a realization. Finding another who might consider loving and marrying a woman headed toward seventy was a long shot at best.
The day came when we brought out the white tree to embellish it with Jaimie’s favorite purple peacocks, only to find its branches more yellow than white. Buying another was out of the question, so up it went. A dingy tree does absolutely nothing to enliven spirits. It does, however, bring a vast understanding of having a green tree instead.
Determined to make the best of things, we placed each delicate peacock in place, followed by our yearly tradition of candy canes. I sighed when the finished tree stood, failing with its dingy background to look bright. Yellowed limbs seemed to list to the side, knowing the brilliant white we wanted, it could not give. Then we plugged in the lights.
This is where the magic happens, right? Except the magic did not happen. We still had a stouter version of a Charlie Brown tree. Until my brother came up with an idea. Gathering golden decorations that resembled sea coral and lacy gold ribbon, he placed them throughout the tree, bringing life where none existed before.
The tree stood taller, proud of its new Christmas ware. The dinginess turned to a soft gold reflection of the new items placed on its boughs. Seeing the tree gathering new life, something opened in my heart. If it could stop drooping, then so could I. Never in his lifetime had Bruce entered the holidays with a frown on his face. Even when our daughter was born with problems, he refused to let me see him cry because she was born three days before Christmas and he counted her birth as a precious gift. Surely, he would expect the same from his wife. Surely, he would be smiling over the many gifts we received since moving back to Alabama.
Those gifts included being able to buy a home that eventually housed my daughter and my brother. Another was the retirement Bru left us so his family would not go hungry. A son and daughter-in-law who stood with us when Bru was ill after a massive stroke helped the list grow. Yet another gift and so precious, was my brother’s life being given back to him by the procedure known as dialysis. One more included a sister and brother-in-law I now had time to get to know. Good neighbors and fine friends rounded out the list, along with a church that welcomed us with open arms when we walked in as strangers.
Most of all, I have forty-four years of marriage memories with a most wonderful man after two years of dating him. He and I shared two beautiful children, a life of love and understanding and joy in a simple touch from one to the other…much like the touch of my brother that brought beauty to a sad little tree. With so much to bring joy into this house, how could sadness ever have been a visitor?
So, Merry Christmas, Friends, from a senior who recovered her sass.
I could not agree with you more! It’s whether we wake with a smile or a frown that usually makes the day. And like you said, when you look for what will go wrong, there is always something out there to answer you! I think it also works if we wonder what terrific thing will happen. At least it’s worth trying.
It is so easy to fall into the habit of grumbling. Oddly it usually comes from people who have no real problems. Life has never and will never promise a bed of duck down for bedding. Life is full of up’s and downs. I recently told my brother things were going too good…so I was just waiting to see what was going to happen that would piss me off. Two days later…the pipes under the kitchen sink burst, to the unexpected tone of $220. Then, a riding mower I wanted to sell could not be sold because it suddenly needed servicing…another $100. Then, a power bill for $380 popped up. Yes, I was irritated. I shook my head saying “WHAT ELSE”! And, a few curse words later, I calmed down and realized I was lucky I had the money to pay these bills. Some people don’t have 10 dollars. Some people don’t have a home and will never get to pay a power bill. Some have had their water turned off and can’t afford to pay the original bill much less a re-connect fee. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself…why ? Because you allow it. You need to readjust your idea’s of what is important. Untrue, is the old quote… “TIME HEALS ALL”. Sorrow of a loved one lost, will never heal. The love you gave and received is to be greedily cherished…it can never be replaced. YOU wouldn’t want it to be. But, you can accept it, reluctantly. You can find a substitute…and that, may not be the arms of someone who could never replace your loss. There are people who never find love and certainly never find the true love you found. Quit looking for mistakes. The world is full of them and bitch all you want to, but NOTHING is perfect. Heaven will not be perfect either. IF, you make it there. Why ? Because YOU wouldn’t allow it to be. I can see the chronic complainer now….”That angel’s wings are too fluffy”! You need to stop. See how lucky you are. And, appreciate that you are…YOU MAKE THE LIST !