A man wrote to an advice columnist about a curious happening when his wife of 41 years had a brush with cancer. He noted that suddenly each of them became deaf, dumb and blind to words and actions that would have caused ‘discussions’ before. They found it equally amazing that they became forgetful of each other’s faults.
However, he discovered their feelings had not been touched except to become maybe stronger. His heart skipped and fluttered at the sound of her voice, the vision of her and the touch of her kiss. They discovered the true depth of love. He wondered why it took near disaster to find what they have today.
I admit that during our marriage, the sound of my husband’s voice, his smile, his kiss almost never failed to make my heart skip a beat in anticipation of him being near. Every kiss was sweet, and every hug special. That did not stop us from having arguments.
Those arguments invariably centered around the ridiculous, when we looked back on them. And at least once, there was a most uncomfortable consequence.
This occurred when, as I passed along in an earlier article, I tried to stop smoking. He came downstairs as I angrily slammed cabinet doors. That was my current reaction to needing my fix of nicotine. As usual, Bru came up to me hugged me tight, saying, “Good morning, Beautiful.”
It was hardly a battle cry, but that nicotine was calling to me and there was nothing to do about it, as not one cigarette remained in the house. Gritting my teeth so hard that my neck muscles stood out abnormally large, I answered, “Can’t you say anything else?” At that moment, a muscle cracked in my neck and my head listed to one side. I wore a neck brace for two weeks to mend the damage.
From talking to friends, it seems most marital arguments are either about money or are ridiculous in nature. Yet, something as small as a woman wanting her husband to stay home from one golf game or a man making a comment about his wife’s attire, which she perceives as insulting, may lead to a battle royal that lasts for a day or days. So much time wasted on the mundane while we dismiss the real, substantial things that make our relationships strong.
We forget the thoughtfulness of one spouse in cooking a special meal, just because the other prefers it. Bru never dismissed my efforts in the kitchen, even before the food became edible. When we first married, I tried desperately to make steak and potatoes. The steak was burned and tough; the potatoes half raw and hard.
Bru’s response? “Honey, thank you so much for a great meal. I really appreciate your making supper after working all day.”
I looked at him in amazement. Could he be eating the same thing I ate? It was horrible! Yet, he cleaned his plate to show he truly enjoyed it. Years later, he admitted he almost choked to death on that unchewable steak.
How often does a man or woman offer no encouragement, when something goes wrong? Because I knew he was being generous with his praise, I started reading cookbooks and trying every possible way to improve my cooking skills. It was not long before his praise came from the heart, or maybe the stomach that appreciated not having to digest food that defied the process.
When my husband was ill for so long, I found the same well of feelings, the same odd deafness, dumbness and forgetfulness. The arguments, which I must admit mostly started with my misunderstandings, although a few came from him, no longer mattered. He stands in my memory as the ultimate man and no one I see or know comes close to his wonderfulness. What I would not give to have those precious moments back, to live over again. If I knew then what I do today, not one minute would have been wasted in anger.
Do we have to wait for near tragedy to pull us into this stunning wonderland of love? Does it have to be too late or almost too late before we are willing to give fully of our hearts? I hope, should there ever be another mate in my life, my heart will openly declare its love without hesitation. I hope anger will be a stranger, who is unwelcomed in our home.