Navigating the Grieving Process

2020 has been difficult for most of us in one way or another. After losing my daughter in 2019, I spent this year – in the midst of all the pandemic and political chaos – trying to properly navigate the grieving process and move forward in a positive way.

I made a point of talking about her when appropriate. We redecorated her bedroom as a guest room but kept certain items on display, like a collage of photos of Elisa, a beloved Madame Alexander doll from her childhood, a book about Guatemala – Elisa’s heritage.

Monday night was the one-year-anniversary of her death. It was a freak accident. The three of us were dining at a local Japanese steak house, and she choked on a piece of shrimp. Who does that? But it happened, and we immediately reacted. Jim and I took turns performing the Heimlich on our daughter, finally turning it over to a much-younger nurse and her husband who approached us. They did all they could, even putting her on the floor and applying CPR.

If the paramedics had arrived promptly, our daughter’s life might have been saved. But they got lost! Yes, I’m trying to put that behind me, as well.

In the end, God made the decision to call Elisa Home, and we accepted that. But damn! It’s hard!

5 Stages of Grief

According to Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross,  there are 5 stages of grief, and you may experience all or some of them as you process your loss.

Denial

The night our daughter died, we said our goodbyes to her – my husband, youngest son, and I – in the ER room after the physician told us we needed to let her go, that she had been without oxygen for too long.  From there, Jim and I returned home to begin the grieving process. The whole evening seemed like a nightmare, and we both felt like it wasn’t real – that Elisa would walk in that front door at any time.  This feeling of denial continued for weeks.

Not totally comprehending the loss is a common reaction, and denial of it makes sense at the time. Give it time.

Anger

Yes, I felt anger. Had the paramedics arrived promptly, perhaps they could have saved our daughter. Some people in their grief want to blame others and even blame God.  You feel helpless and blame yourself. The truth is that it is likely no one’s fault.

In Elisa’s case, even the late-arriving paramedics could not remove the piece of shrimp. It took the physician at the ER to do that and by then, it was clearly too late.

Bargaining

I prayed! While the nurse and her husband worked on our daughter, I begged God to spare her, to save her. As I dialed 911, I pleaded with God. Nothing made sense. This should not have happened.

Dr. Kubler-Ross says it’s normal to dwell on how you could have prevented this whole nightmare from occurring.  And it’s normal to feel guilt that maybe you are to blame.  I certainly ran this scenario through my head numerous times over the past year as I navigated the grieving process, and I know my husband suffered nightmares about it for months after.

Depression

Depression comes in many forms:  Sadness, frequent tears, inability to sleep or sleeping all the time, loss of appetite, and loneliness.  All are a normal part of grieving. Allow yourself time to process it all.

Acceptance

The final stage of grief, according to Dr. Kubler-Ross, is accepting the loss for what it is.  When you can accept the loss, you can move forward.

I’m not “there” yet but because of my faith, I believe I’ll get there.  You may go through all the stages of grief or just some of them. Everyone processes it differently and what works for you may not work for someone else.

How You Can Develop Coping Skills

Some people talk to friends or professionals to help them deal with their loss. Others may turn inward and try to get through the pain and loneliness by themselves. I admit to being one of the latter. Writing gives me an outlet for grief, and I prefer it to talking to people about my loss, even though I try.

You can create or do something to preserve the memories you have of the person you lose.  Consider making a collage of photos of your loved one.  If you are an artist, paint something, frame and hang it to always remind you. I  ordered a silver pendant cross that contains some of my daughter’s ashes, and I wear it most of the time.

Join a support group.  Talking to others who have experienced loss similar to yours may help you, and you may develop new friendships along the way.

Whatever you do or don’t do, do not withdraw into yourself! Reach out in whatever way speaks to you.

Moving On Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Attempting to move forward with your life does not mean you will forget the one you lost.  It’s about learning how to live a complete life, while missing your loved one. Never allow others to tell you how you should feel. Just because you are moving forward with your life does not necessarily mean you are finished grieving.

“How others feel about your grief is their problem,” not yours. Process your grief in whatever way works for you!

Accepting the Grieving Process

They say you don’t get over the loss of a loved one. You just get through it. And get through it, you will, in some fashion. There is no time limit on grief! Whatever looks right to you is right.

The loss of someone you love, be it a spouse, a child, or someone else, is like a huge boulder weighing heavy on your heart. In time, that boulder may shrink a bit and become more of a stone. I am beginning to see that possibility, but I’ll take as much time as I need.

Perhaps I’ll never feel whole again, or perhaps I will. It’s up to me to work at healing, just as it will be up to you to heal from your own loss. Don’t let life pass you by. The person you loved would not want that for you.

 

In memory of Elisa North, 1974 – 2019