When we returned from mother’s funeral, it was to find Daddy had arrived ahead of us. That wasn’t unusual. What hit so hard when we found him, was seeing every gun he owned surrounding his chair.
“Dad, we have to put these up. The grandkids will be here any minute.” Steel laced my brother’s voice. With much effort he took the situation in hand. He took care of Mama for several years. Her death hit him and Daddy hard. He gathered the guns, put them into the gun cabinet, locked it and put the key in a safe place. He thought he got them all. Daddy had one revolver hidden under his mattress.
The next few years Daddy went from mourning to trying to date a younger woman to a depression so deep nothing pulled him out.
His and mother’s marriage had been one long argument. Every now and then, the word ‘divorce’ came up. It never went further than that and if anyone spoke badly of either of my parents, the other became a fierce protector.
Often I wondered if they ever said kind words to each other. Years after moving to Maryland, I understood that was how they communicated. Still, when people argue constantly, it comes as a shock that the widower mourns his loss so hard.
For five years Daddy spoke of ending his life and going to be with Mama. The first few months, we listened, fearing he would follow through with his threat. Eventually, we figured it was just talk. I begged him to promise never to do such a thing as I knew my brother would be the one to find him. Daddy never made that promise.
My husband’s cousin came to see me at work. More than anything I was puzzled that she knew where I worked since I never told her.
“Your dad’s dead,” she said. My legs gave way and I sank to the floor. She arranged for me to leave work.
Dad had used that hidden revolver to shoot himself.
Not all widows commit suicide. However, there are enough who do that they may need professional help, if such thoughts enter their minds. Not all of them can be stopped, but with the use of anti-depressants and a counselor to talk over their feelings, many can be brought back into life again.
If you, as a widow, ever feel that it would be better to join your spouse, tell someone. Don’t have a pity party. Talk seriously about what is drawing you to end your life. If no one seems to listen, go to your pastor, a psychiatrist, or a psychologist on your own. Don’t become a dead statistic; become a living